WarioWare Gold came out last week, giving us all our first shot of fresh “microgame mania” in years. But games are expensive and have ya heard? Brexit’s still happening! So you might not be in a position to buy the full release just yet. Thankfully, a few weeks ago, Nintendo put out a demo of the game proper to let players sample the game types on offer and to try and convince them to pony up for the genuine article when it was released.
Unfortunately, being only a demo, Gold doesn’t have the full feature set of the other games in the series, in particular, the ability to focus your attention on a single microgame, so if you’re consistently losing lives on a particularly tricky one you’ve no way to train for it. Microgames can be pretty challenging, you have to read things, process visual information and coordinate an appropriate response. Tough stuff.
But fear not, for we here at Eye Moustaches have put in the hours to compile this comprehensive guide to every single microgame in (the demo version of) WarioWare Gold. Impress your friends and dominate every microgame (in the demo) with our ace tips, distilling years of experience of doing things for seconds at a time.
CATEGORY 1: MASH GAMES
A simple game, one might think. Press the “A” button to vanquish your opponent by pushing them over. Yet later levels increase the complexity. To master this challenge you will have to time your button presses to when your adversary has his palms facing towards you and be prepared to have to press the button twice in some cases to confirm the kill (I’m assuming the other kid is eventually eaten by the eagle that abducts him in later stages).
Components to a robot fall from the sky and you must use the “right” and “left” buttons on the “D-pad” to move them such that they all land on top of each other. This game has quite a large margin for error, so don’t do what I did at first and rage quit immediately if the initial piece seems poorly balanced.
COME IN FIRST!
That’s what… someone said.
A test of both endurance and reflexes. You must repeatedly press the piece of plastic commonly referred to as the “A button” to cross the finish line first, a challenge for anyone’s thumbs or preferred button pressing appendage. However, much like mashing potatoes, if you begin mashing too early (it’s generally better to peel them first) and upset the linesman you’ll enter into an unrecoverable fail state. An Eye Moustaches Top Tip here: Wait until the starting pistol has fired, that’s your clue that it is time to mash.
Part 2 of a 4 part narrative.
Intelligent Systems leverage their years of experience in game design to masterfully expand the core premise of “man needs to go to the toilet, press the “A” button when he is line with an open stall” to include mechanics such as rival toilet needers and delayed door openings.
COVER THE HOLE!
REMEMBER GAME AND WATCH! No. No one does. Those people have since passed on or forgotten about the systems to make room in their brains for tax bracket details. But we all love the concept of remembering Game and Watch, hence these frequent nostalgia blasts.
Keen eyed and patient players will note that following a brief pause, additional instructions appear on screen. If the instructions say “Up Left Down Right” that’s your cue to press the top most segment on the “D Pad”, the segment on the left hand side of the “D pad”, the segment opposite the previous one and finally the segment closest to the bottom of the “D pad” in that order. Ask a parent or guardian if you’re having difficulty orientating your 3DS console to correctly follow these instructions.
Apply the logic of pressing the buttons in the indicated sequence from the microgame described above to progress.
CATEGORY 2: TWIST GAMES
Utilise an efficient Smart Fence™ to “fence in” (hence the clue there) the animal shown at the centre of the screen while minimising obstruction of the surrounding landscape (ignore the weird holes in the ground). According to unconfirmed reports, it’s possible to cheat this game by placing your console in a well balanced scientific centrifuge which rotates your console so fast that the fence is present at all possible points at all times.
Centrifuges are delicate and potentially dangerous pieces of scientific equipment kids. Don’t play with your parent’s centrifuges.
Actually, this one is deceptively tricky and can trip you up if you’re playing on instinct and not thinking things through properly. Pay close attention to whether the virus you want to take out is on the lowest or second lowest row of the pill bottle and rotate your pill accordingly.
See? Not all of these are jokes, that was actual advice! So if you came looking for advice then I suppose you have to keep reading now?
Use small motions to ensure the surfer always remains upright. It’s important to resist the temptation to make drastic corrections.
Yes, I know, that’s too sincere tips in a row now. No, I did not struggle to come up with jokes as the deadline loomed and then disappeared rapidly in my metaphorical rear view mirror. Maybe this is part of some clever joke I have planned, I’ve done two straight examples, the “rule of three” indicates that the next one will be funny or subversive in some way.
Rotate the console to position the violinist’s hand onto the appropriate segment of the bow based on the sequence of coloured musical notes visible at the top of the screen, then press “A” to play the note. Repeat for each note.
See, what’s subversive here is I told you I’d do a subversive thing but then I did another straight guide so there. HA!
Geez, scraping the joke barrel today.
Part 1 of a four part narrative.
Rotate your console rapidly in precise 90 degree arcs to successfully move all the food from the plate to the player characters mouth. There’s no delay or latency in transferring the food from the plate to your hand and then later from your hand to inside the man’s mouth, so don’t worry about that.
Part 3 of a four part narrative.
Use gravity to move the food ingested in the Gobble! Game to the egestion point in this scientifically inaccurate depiction of the digestive system.
CATEGORY 3: TOUCH GAMES
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things, it is not like most,
Can you tell me which thing is not like the others,
Tell me which one’s a ghost.
Use the stylus to erase the drawings on the board. Sometimes, the drawing will be of a sexy frog (this isn’t an NSFW blog so I haven’t included screenshots), but don’t let that stay your hand, it has to be erased like all the rest.
Cut the wire indicated by the prompt to defuse the bomb. I’m told this bears little relationship to defusing a bomb in real life. Imagine, the little kiddos, playing this game and thinking it qualifies them to actually disarm a bomb. The dangerous situations they would end up in because of this video game! If you’re an editor for the Daily Mirror, please hire me to write hack articles like this for you.
Part 4 of a 4 part narrative.
In life it’s generally inadvisable to roll the entire roll of toilet paper off the roll in one go, as it is difficult to put back on, but as in the Digest! game, Intelligent Systems are clearly taking some artistic license here in the name of gameplay.
I think the idea here is to connect the Joy-Cons to the main Nintendo Switch console but I’m not sure as I’ve never done this, both in this game and in real life. Please, help, my joy-cons have been powerless for 5 months now. Sound off in the comments if you know how to fix this!
I forgot the REMEMBER game