Seven (Very Serious) Reasons Why The Nintendo Switch Presentation Was Bad And Not Good

New Year, New Eye Moustaches

A few days ago, Nintendo held a presentation for their new console, the Nintendo Switch. You may have heard how a number of details about the machine were given and that we got our first proper look at a lot of upcoming games. What you may not have heard is that actually the presentation was bad, maybe the worst thing ever done by anyone. Have you been provacativised? Interested in learning more? Then (please, for the love of God) click this post!!??!

Bowser Murdered A Hat

In the stinger of the Super Mario Odyssey trailer, Mario is surprised when his hat appears to move of its own accord, before revealing that it has eyes. This was a surprise to Mario and to me as well, as the trailer had previously included a shot of Bowser crushing a similar hat under his foot. Why would they show us the hat being crushed, knowing that when it was later established to be alive, the audience might come to the conclusion that the hat was alive when it was dramatically compacted? Didn’t they understand the effect this could have on any children watching? I watched the conference with my six-year old son, Curly, who immediately turned to me and said “Papa, why would they show us the hat being crushed, knowing that when it was later established to be alive, the audience might come to the conclusion that the hat was alive when it was dramatically compacted? Don’t they know what effect that could have on any children watching, such as me, Curly, your six-year old son?”. I didn’t know what to say to my six-year old son, Curly. “I don’t know what to say Curly, my six-year old son.” I said, to Curly, my six year old son.

This guy said he was excited to announce that Fifa was coming to the Switch, but, idk you guys, he looked kinda bored

extreme

His interpreter looked a little like David Cameron at times

cameron

And when you’re trying to enjoy a press conference while simultaneously trying to protect your six-year old son, Curly, from any disquieting hat murder the last thing you want to be reminded of is that guy who threw his country into turmoil by calling for a referendum he didn’t want because he was afraid to lose the xenophobic vote.

Come on Nintendo, same ol’ Mario, again?

New console, but same ol’ Nintendo, same ol’ Mario. Trotting out their geriatric ol’ mascot, to please the ol’ rabid fanboys. Another cookie cutter ol’ adventure in a series that has literally never changed in any measurable way since the eighties.

What does Mario have to say about the big ol’ world, eh Nintendo? Did you ever think of that? What lessons, what observations on the ol’ human condition can ol’ Mario impart? That jumping is fun? Well, I got news for you, it’s a brand spanking new ol’ century, humanity and ol’ technology has long since made ol’ jumping an entirely unnecessary action. My ol’ six-year old son, Curly, is already reading the works of the great ol’ thinkers, like Kant, Marx and Clarkson (he’s quite intelligent for his age1), and I would hate to think that his intellectual development could be stifled by this Mario “game” as you call it.

1: Here, I refer of course to my son (Curly, who is six years old)!!! Ha ha ha

The presentation ushered in at least a few months of GTA Mario jokes

You know this is coming, you’ve probably seen a few already, hell, you’ve probably got the screenshots sitting in a folder until you’ve got an afternoon free to make one of your own.

mario-seams
Look, he’s been mugged by hat thieves lololol

They kept saying Swtich, and who does that?

switchheadlineforecast
Who I ask?

Also

The price. The announcement of a paid online service in spite of Nintendo’s weak history regarding online multiplayer. A lack of tangible third party support.


Actual Eye Moustaches Editorial Line:

The conference was… interesting.

The Breath of the Wild and Super Mario Odyssey trailers are the obvious highlight. The news that Odyssey will be a sand-box game and that Breath of the Wild will feature voice acting to some extent, a first for the series (well….) were both pleasant surprises. The Arms and 1-2 Switch announcements were intriguing, though the reason for Nintendo’s evident confidence in those titles is still a little unclear.

I was reminded of the leadup to the Wii U, which is not a positive omen. For example, the motion IR camera technology promises “unique new control styles”, the same promises were made about the Wii U. Elsewhere, despite the time dedicated to it and Todd Howard’s game attempt to emphasise the portability aspect, the only game he was able to confirm was Skyrim, a game which came out in 2011 and whose next gen rerelease will have been out by almost a year by the time it comes to the Switch. Ports of older games were trumpeted as big news for the Wii U as well, but those dried up relatively quickly. For what feels like the entire time that I’ve followed videogames, people have been saying that Nintendo needs to do a better job of courting and facilitating third-party multiplatform titles, but once again, it seems unlikely that the new console will be up for the task.

As mentioned above, the price was a nasty surprise to most people. And yet, I wonder if it was realistic to expect anything lower given the technology involved. Whether all that technology will prove worthwhile remains to be seen. I myself am sceptical over whether anyone really wants a console/handheld hybrid when smartphones, tablets and laptops already exist. That said, pre-orders are already filling up.

Finally, I think it’s worth noting that Reggie did not, to my knowledge spawn any fresh memes this yea-

-one moment please

“The joy con can convey to you the feeling of ice cubes colliding in a cup.”

“You can feel water filling the glass.”

Oh YES, at last, what I was waiting for. Cancel my appointments, I need to go secure a pre-order. Ice colliding in a glass tech. This is it people! Welcome to the future!

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

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