The Golden Moustaches 2016

Live from that figurative place in your head where you can kind of feel as if you’re seeing something in a way that’s really hard to put into words, it’s the Golden Moustaches 2016!

Hiya folks! It’s great to be here hosting the most prestigious award ceremony since the 2015 Golden Moustaches, the 2016 Golden Moustaches! We’re gathered here tonight to honour the best games I played this year.

So without further ado:

The Tom Selleck’s Moustache Award For Game Of The Year

The Witness

Honourable mentions:

Pony Island

and uh… Batman: The Telltale Series Episode 1

Ahh, screw it.

I came a lot closer to being able to do a “best games that came out this year” version this year, with a whole three of the year’s releases under my belt, but because I don’t want to have to type The Witness over and over again that idea once again had to be scrapped.

Next year guys! I can feel it!

Anyway, I’ll kick things off a with a big one.

John Oates’ Moustache Award For The Games, The Games, That Are On My List (Of The Games Of The Year)

Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain

Tales From The Borderlands

Hotline Miami

Professor Layton Vs Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney

The Witness

Undertale

Bloodborne

FTL (again)

I’ll give out the real Tom Sellleck award later on.

The James Franco’s Moustache Award For Being A Game That’s Alright, I Mean I Guess

Batman Arkham Knight

For a whole bunch of reasons that I will eventually get around to, Arkham Knight never quite clicked with me. The combat system which I’d previously enjoyed in Middle Earth: Shadows of Mordor was an at times frustrating experience of trying to manage different enemy types and both due to the fact that it was relatively barren and most efficiently traversed from the skies, the open world seemed kind of wasted.

The Salvadore Dali’s Moustache Award For What The Hell Was That

It was a bumper year for being confused with plenty of strange, esoteric plotlines. I’ve already talked about Thirty Flights of Loving and its mystery that is either too complex for my puny mind or actually incomplete. The true meaning of The Witness may have alluded me, or perhaps, as in the previous example it didn’t. Hotline Miami had another strange story but at least it was clear about it unreliable nature.

The Moustache That That Guy Down The Road Tried To Grow When He Was A Teenager Award For Fail Of The Year

Well, it has to be democracy right? That’s the real not concept by the way, not the popular game series.

The Various Moustaches That Jared Leto Has Had At One Time Or Another Award For Edginess

A well-deserved win here for Telltale’s otherwise very good The Wolf Among Us. Admittedly, it would hard to make a game based on the source material without walking home with this automatically. Fables’ basic premise could be described as “what if fairy-tales except real world and sad”. It starts strong, you meet the Woodsman from the story of the three little pigs and frustrated that his part in the story has long since been overshadowed by our protagonist Bigby (The Big Bad) Wolf, he has turned into a violent drunk. But as the story goes and these sorts of subversions come up again and again (almost everyone is either a prostitute or a gangster, everyone else drinks and is also miserable et cetera) the effect is diminished and the whole thing comes across like that kid who wants to convince everyone he’s a big hard lad who “knows the real world”.

The Daniel Day-Lewis’ Moustaches Award For Best Character

This one looked to have been tied up by the lovable leads of Tales of the Borderlands with Undertale’s Papyrus in a very close second place but at time of writing a new challenger has entered the fray. The Witcher 3’s Geralt, a wryly amusing, at times thoughtful and (it seems to me) essentially more violent version of Miles O’Brien is an excellent character to experience what will no doubt be an enormous game with.

The Freddy Mercury’s Moustache Award For Best Soundtrack

Another hotly contested one here with Undertale, Hotline Miami and Metal Gear Solid V (I really like the eighties, shut up) all worthy winners. Individual moments from 80 Days, Hitman: Blood Money (I really like Avé Maria, shut up), the downbeat Wolf Among Us soundtrack, the pulp spy score of Thirty Flights of Loving, the Layton/Wright crossover’s orchestral take on Ace Attorney classics, Miles Edgeworth’s theme and the songs included in Tales From the Borderlands all get a thumbs up from me. If pressed, I’d have to give it to Hotline Miami because of how integral to the feel and experience of the game it is.

The Jerry and George’s Moustaches From That Bit In Seinfeld Where They Both Suddenly Have Moustaches Award For Biggest Surprise

I’m honoured to present this award to myself for surprising everyone by legitimately getting “gud” at Bloodborne in order to beat the Blood Starved Beast. Truly, I am an inspiration to all the noobs out there.

seinfeld moustaches

The Steve Martin’s Moustache In The Pink Panther Award For Biggest Disappointment

That the previously mentioned Bloodborne skills did not translate over to any other boss or enemy in the game.

And finally, the one you’ve all been waiting for:

The Tom Selleck’s Moustache Award For Game Of The Year

This is a very hard call to make and in attempting to do so I’ve had to somewhat question my ideas of what a Tom Selleck’s Moustache Award winner should be and the biases I may have. Let me explain. The top two contenders are Metal Gear Solid V and Hotline Miami. Hotline Miami was the game that got me out of a rut where I didn’t feel up to starting anything. Its appeal is instant, it doesn’t pad things out and puts you almost immediately into the fray and I loved it. Helped along by the aforementioned music, the crunchy sound design and the psychedelic colours, the game hooks me every time, even after a long day of studying *unspecified Masters subject*. Then there’s Metal Gear Solid V which I’ve spent upwards of 100 hours on, an addictive epic filled with intricate details and options but also flawed in a number of ways. Do I feel compelled to give it the TSMA just because I’ve put roughly ten times as much time into it than Hotline Miami? Is it a knee-jerk reaction that instinctively views indie games as not as “significant”? Hotline Miami is hard, brutally so, but built in a way to support that, the only really noticeable issue is the lack of save points between sessions and the incredibly dumb “Do you like hurting people?” line. Surely it should walk home with the Stachey?

And then what of Tales From The Borderlands, a game which, despite a plot that doesn’t really “mean” or say anything beyond “friendship is magic”, nonetheless evokes a genuine sense of emotional attachment, which neither of the other two really managed. When you don’t want something to end, is that not the ultimate sign of quality?

So I suppose that leaves us with MGSV, Hotline Miami and Tales, each equally deserving in different ways of the top-

-BAH GOD IT’S THE GODDAMN WITCHER. THE WITCHER 3: WILD HUNT JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND KNOCKED METAL GEAR RIGHT ON ITS ASS. NOW ITS CHARGING AT MIAMI, HOTLINE MIAMI TRIES TO GRAB A HOLD OF THE WITCHER BUT ITS NO DAMN USE, THE WITCHER BREAKS THE HOLD AND NOW ITS GOT MIAMI IN A DAMN CHOKEHOLD. AND- WOAH DID YOU SEE THAT! THE WITCHER 3 JUST FLIPPED HOTLINE MIAMI OVER ITS SHOULDER, NO COMING BACK FROM THAT FOLKS.

TALES FROM THE BORDERLANDS IS TRYNA TALK TO THE WITCHER 3, BUT THE WITCHER 3 AIN’T LISTENING. SOMEONE BETTER STOP THIS, ELSE THE WITCHER 3 COULD KILL TALES OF THE BORDERLANDS, RIGHT HERE AT THE 2016 GOLDEN MOUSTACHES CEREMONY!

THE WITCHER 3, BAH GOD THAT’S A CHRISTMAS GAME, WHAT THE HELL IS THE GODDAMN WITCHER 3 DOING AT THIS GODDAMN AWARDS CEREMONY. WHO LET THE WITCHER 3 IN?

TALES IS MAKING A RUN FOR IT, CAN YOU BLAME IT, WITH THE WITCHER 3 GLARING AT TALES OF THE BORDERLANDS LIKE A GAME POSSESED! NOW WHO’S THAT COMING ON STAGE? I DON’T BELIEVE IT, IT’S IVAN MOUSTACHES! IVAN MOUSTACHES IS HERE AND HE’S GONNA TALK SOME DAMN SENSE INTO THE WITCHER 3! WAIT NO HE IS NOT! NO HE IS NOT FOLKS! HE’S HEADING FOR THE PODIUM, HE’S HOLDING THE TOM SELLECK’S MOUSTACHE AWARD FOR GAME OF THE YEAR IN HIS HANDS, HE’S, WHAT THE SAM HELL IS HE DOING? HE’S BROKEN IT, HE’S BROKEN THE STATUE INTO THREE, NO NOT THREE, FOUR, I STAND CORRECTED PIECES! HE’S THROWING THEM OUT, ONE FOR THE BATTERED BODY OF HOTLINE MIAMI, ONE TO METAL GEAR WHO’S ONLY NOW STARTING TO GET UP, ONE TO TALES, I TELL YA, TALES IS SHAKING SOMETHING FIERCE AND ONE TO THE WITCHER 3. THE WITCHER 3 WILD HUNT SEEMS HAPPY WITH THIS, HE’S TURNING AROUND HE’S LEAVING, BAH GOD, HE’S LEAVING, WHAT A CEREMONY THIS HAS TURNED OUT TO BE FOLKS!

So yeah, anyway, despite the fact that I’ve only being playing it for a few days, The Witcher 3 is definitely worthy of an award of sorts. Now you may think, why not wait until next year but at the moment it’s doubtful that there’ll be a Golden Moustaches ceremony next year. That right’s this venerable institution, that traces its history back as far as last year may be in its final year. I’ll go further into this soon, but in brief, the plan is that, one way or another the whole Eye Moustaches project will be wrapped up by the end of the year.

But enough of that! Congratulations to all of this year’s winners!

2 thoughts on “The Golden Moustaches 2016

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